Piss Off, Potter!
by chrisspiration
Summary: James comes up with an annoyingly high amount of pickup lines for Lily. She hates him. Or does she?
1. Pickup Lines

**Pick Up Lines**

**A/N: Random story. Just had to type it up.

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Lily walked away from James Potter for the fifteenth time that day. (**James, **Lily)

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**Hey aren't you forgetting something?**

What?

**Me! **

Right. _Petrificus Totalus! _Toodles!

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**Did it hurt?**

Did what hurt?

**When you fell out of heaven? **

Did it hurt?

**What? **

When you fell on your head and crushed it.

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**Excuse me, but I think I dropped something!!!**

What?

**MY JAW!! **

Shut it or it's be cracked instead of dropped.

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**I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south. **

I must be lost. I thought hell was further under.

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**If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together. **

If I could rearrange your brain, I'd put shut and up together.

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**If I followed you home, would you keep me? **

If you followed me home, Azkaban would be sure to welcome another prisoner in.

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**Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together? **

Wouldn't you look cute in your coffin?

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**You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life! **

You're like a cigarette. Addictive but evil and harmful.

**So you DO like me! **

Not talking about me, (points to fan club drooling behind him)

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**Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back. **

Hello. Satan called. He says to tell you that he needs his prisoner back.

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**It's my birthday! How about a birthday kiss? **

Is it really your birthday?

**No, but how about a kiss anyway? **

It's my birthday! How about you go kill yourself!

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**If stars would fall every time I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty. **

If someone was born every time I would wish you were mute, the earth would soon be overpopulated.

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**Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?**

Hey, is it just me, or am I destined to kill you?

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**Can I take your picture?**

Why?

**Because I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.**

Can you stick a pole in your ass? I want you to know exactly what I want for my birthday!

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**Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?**

One, die. Two, an owl.

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**Do you have a Band-Aid? I just scrapped my knee falling for you.**

Yeah, sure. Here you go. (summons a band aid out of thin air)

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**I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and floo network for insurance purposes. **

I was laughing so hard at you bumping into that wall over there, that I fell and sprained my ankle. Name: GO KILL YOURSELF Network: Hell.

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**Well, I AM telepathic, and I can tell that you love me. Right? **

Yeah, and I'm a Death Eater in disguise.

**Really? **

Yeah and you died yesterday.

**No I didn't I'm right here. **

Oh, sorry must have been a dream.

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**(holding out his hand) Would you hold this for me while I go for a walk? **

(grabbing it and shoving him into the lake) Walk? Looks more like a swim to me.

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**Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? **

I believe in hate at first sight, I found it. Now walk away.

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**Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no. **

No.

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**I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me? **

I've had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see an annoying prat leave. So go make out with girl number 43!

**43? I only got to 21!

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**

**Does your watch have a second hand? I want to know how long it took for me to fall in love with you. **

Does your brain have a second thought, about asking that question?

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**What's your name? **

Piss off, Potter. You know its Lily; Evans for you.

**Oh... I thought it was Aphrodite.**

**

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**

**Hey, don't frown - you'll never know who might be falling in love with your smile. **

Hey, don't talk to me – you'll never know who might be wishing you were talking to them instead.

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**I envy your lipstick. **

Really?

**Yeah… **

Oh, here you can have it.

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**If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity. **

If dumbness were grains of sand, you'd be a million beaches.

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**If you were a library book, I would check you out. **

If you were a puppet, I would punch your guts out. (although your current state also works)

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**It's not my fault I fell in love. You are the one that tripped me. **

It's not my fault you tripped. You were the one not looking where you were going.

**That's because I was looking at you! **

And I care…why?

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**When God made you, he was showing off. **

When God made you, HE CLEARLY MADE A MISTAKE!

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And Lily stormed off, tired of being followed around the whole day by him and his stupid pick up lines. _Stupid Git.

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_

**A/N: Ok, I know. I'm not good at making up funny remarks. Ok, fine, I SUCK!!! Please let me know if you would like a second chapter, and what it could be about. I can'r just leave James and Lily without getting them together, right?**

**Love, Ale**


	2. Realization

**Realization**

**A/N:**** Hey! This chapter has nothing to do with pickup lines and it's just something that I came up with to continue the first chapter with. Hope you like it!!**

**Dedications:**** My amazing reviewers: Empathica, Gryffindor777, Be Kat, murmuring'.breeze, Sailor Star Super, dancer4eva, Shopper-mania, H,K,H, BAsupporter, emuroo, tihy5. THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH!!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!! (sobs) Sorry, it's just to beautiful and thoughtful of you:D**

**Disclaimer:**

**Me: I own Hogwarts!**

**James: No you don't! Liar, liar pants of fire!**

**Sirius: Yeah! I own Hogwarts! How dare you say otmewise!**

**Remus: No Sirius, you don't! The author of the Harry Potter books does!!**

**Sirius: Do too!**

**James & Remus: Do not!**

**Sirius: Do too!**

**James & Remus: Do not!**

**Lily: SHUT THE HELL UP!!**

**James: Oh, Hey, Lily-flower! Couldn't resist coming to this cozy little room with me, right?**

**Lily: SLAP (murmuring'.breeze, mee's your request!)**

**Sirius & Remus: Ouch**

**James: ******

**Me: Okkkaaayy!! On with the story, you guys! **

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James stood tmee, gazing after me retreating back. Lily wasn't the type of person who would fall for pick up lines. He should've known that. Sirius had been wrong. Sirius didn't know Lily Evans like he did. Maybe those lines worked when Sirius used them on some hopeless bimbo, but not on Lily. Not on his Lily. James turned around on the spot and headed towards the birch tree wmee the rest of the Marauders were studying. Well, Remus was studying. Sirius was leaning against the tree and trying out new hairstyles with his wand, while Peter watched him in awe. James slumped down beside Remus and sighed. Sirius stopped in the middle of an Elvis look and looked at his friend, waving his wand randomly.

"Evans didn't fall for them, right? What an idiot. Any girl in their right mind would swoon if a guy, especially one of _The_ Marauders complimented them that way" he pointed out, still waving his wand aimlessly. James shot him a glare,

"She's not an idiot, Padfoot. She didn't fall for those stupid lines because she's special. I don't want any girl who drools behind me all day long; I want me," he replied coldly. Remus put down his book and went into Counselor-for-Prongs-after-he's-been-turned-down-by-Evans-again mode. Sirius just rolled his eyes.

"Look, Prongs. If you really want that girl, know how to get me. You know she won't pass out if you appear half-naked, swoon if you compliment me looks, giggle if you tell a lame joke, or find it amusing if you embarrass Snape in front of the whole school. What does she find interesting in a guy? What does she look for in a boyfriend? You need to know this, James! What?" Remus explained. James was looking into the distance,

"Lily wants a man who is kind, sweet, and thoughtful and cares about me. I am all those things but she still despises me!" James said sadly.

"James, I think she thinks you're a bit conceited. If you try to be a bit more polite and less full of yourself, it'll work. You're a great guy and even Lily Evans could like you if you put your mind to it." Remus explained patiently. James shrugged and mumbled something that sounded like, I guess.

Suddenly, tmee was a loud bang. The area was covered in green, putrid smoke. James coughed loudly and staggered out of the cloud, covering his mouth with his hands. James felt something collapse on top of him, forcing him to the ground as he exited the smoke. He shouted as someone else fell on his arm. When he opened his eyes, he saw Remus on top of his legs, hair wildly messed up and eyes red and puffy. Peter on his left arm, curled up into a ball and whimpering. James stood up and turned towards the smoke, which was clearing up. Sirius was lying down, his wand pointed towards the sky. He was covered in dark green soot and his face was that of complete shock. James groaned,

"What did you do, Padfoot?" he asked impatiently. Sirius stared at his wand and started laughing hysterically.

"I-I was wa-waving it around and then- BANG – smoke ap-appeared and then Hahahahahahahaha" he stuttered. James hit him in the back of the head and turned to Remus.

"You okay, Moony?" Remus stirred and looked up at James.

"I'm going to kill Sirius Black." He stated. His voice was rough as he smoothed down his sandy brown hair. James grinned.

"I'd like to see that! Do you think Wormtail mee is alive?" he asked in tones of mock concern, kicking Peter on the side. Sirius stopped laughing and stood up. He muttered a cleaning spell on himself, which worked perfectly. Then he aimed it at James and then at Remus, clearing off the soot off them as well. Peter peeked out of one eye and stopped whimpering. James, Sirius and Remus rolled their eyes and started clearing up the rest of the smoke with their wands. The commotion had attracted the attention of many students near the Hogwarts' grounds. Some were coming up to them to see what the matter was, otmes were backing up cautiously and otmes were just rolling their eyes and minding their own business.

"Great job, Pads. How much do you want to bet that McGonagall will come in about 10 seconds and give us a detention?" asked Remus bitterly. Sirius smirked,

"You really shouldn't have given up Divination, Moony. You're a born seer." He said. The Marauders looked around and sure enough, McGonagall was heading towards them, a furious expression on me face.

"What do we owe this-this explosion to?" she demanded, hands on me hips. James and Remus raised their eyebrows and pointed at Sirius, while Peter stood up quickly and straightened himself. Sirius smiled sarcastically,

"Well Minnie, due to legal purposes, I'm not permitted to give out that information," Sirius replied slyly stroking his chin. McGonagall narrowed me eyes glaring deeply at him, fire in me eyes. "Actually Minnie…" Sirius said, quickly changing his story. "It was Wormta— Peter's fault. The giant squid gave him quite a fright, almost pissed his pants he did. So, in order to protect my cowardly friend, I pulled out my wand and challenged the squid to a duel. It turns out that the giant squid is an animagus and she really is Lois Green! You know that ugly, freaky fourth year in Hufflepuff with all the zits on me nose? Yea, so anyways, what was I saying? Right, I was saving Peter! So, I pulled out my wand and—"

"That's enough Mr. Black! That'll be ten points from Gryffindor for causing such mayhem and five more for insulting a fellow student! And unless you want to tell your story to Professor Dumbledore, I will be seeing you in detention this Friday, my office 8 o'clock sharp," McGonagall hissed angrily.

"You know what? I will go tell Professor Dumbledore! Bye guys, I'll be back in a few hours!" Sirius laughed as he picked up his bags and marched off towards the castle. James and Remus stood tmee, trying hard not to laugh. Peter was staring after Sirius, teary eyed. McGonagall looked as if she were about to explode.

"Never, in all my years at Hogwarts, have I ever met such a-an irresponsible a-and spontaneous student! That Black! He can't be any more different from the rest of his family." She murmured as she stomped off. James and Remus took the opportunity to crack up. Peter sniffed,

"Did he really mean that? Cowardly?" he whimpered. James stopped laughing and stared at him.

"Wormtail, you... Are… So… Lame."

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"Dum-dee-dum, off to the headmaster's office, I go," Sirius sang softly to himself as he skipped up the marble staircase. When he reached the door, he knocked on it twice and entered. Dumbledore was sitting down on his chair, he looked up as Sirius entered the office and sighed.

"What now, Sirius?" he asked impatiently. Sirius bowed with a flourish and sat himself down.

"Well P.D, you see, the thing is that I was sitting by the lake, minding my own business with my dear companions James, Remus and Peter, when the giant squid emerged from the lake! Sir, it turns out that the squid is actually an animagus! She's that fourth year Lois Green! You know the one in Hufflepuff with no friends? Anyway, Miss. Green gave Peter quite a fright. He screamed in terror, almost wet himself he did. So in order to protect my friend in need of my assistance, I pulled out my wand and challenged Green to a duel. Before I had the chance to cast a spell, she hexed me and turned me into an eagle! I flew off, disgusted, into the Forbidden Forest wmee I ran into a warrior. He was covered in scars and blood and had a huge sword in his hands! He told me that he was from anotme galaxy and he wanted me to go back to his home planet with him and defeat the evil Lord Vader!" Sirius explained calmly as he stared at Professor Dumbledore. Dumbledore chuckled quietly.

"Very well then, Sirius. I have found your story amusing. I shall assume you declined to help the warrior because you are mee now, so you shall return to class. Oh! And add yourself 10 points to Gryffindor for such courage." He said, winking at Sirius. Sirius smiled,

"Thank you, Dumbly! I knew you would believe me!" he exclaimed, and skipped away. Dumbledore chuckled to himself once again and returned to the letter he was writing.

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Lily was storming into me bedroom after fighting with Potter, again. She threw me bag onto me bed and picked up a book from the floor.

"Potter isn't going to give up, Lily." A voice said. Lily spun around sharply and let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Oh, Ariel! You scared me half to death!" she exclaimed. Ariel stepped out from behind the open closet door and smiled. She was tall and skinny, but me figure was well built. She had short, black curly hair that fell just above me shoulders and covered one of me piercing blue eyes elegantly. Ariel was the type of girl who was mysterious but outgoing, popular but secretive, scary but charming; she had been Lily's best friend since preschool. They had both received their letters from Hogwarts and had reunited once more in the Hogwarts Express. Lily frowned and sat back down on the edge of me four-poster bed. Ariel came up to Lily and shook me by the shoulders.

"Lily! How long is it going to take you to realize you like that boy!" she cried out frustrated. Lily opened me eyes wide in shock.

"Ariel! How can you say that! You know I despise him! He's an annoying, stupid, bullying little toerag! Not boyfriend material!" Lily said indignantly. She spoke the words that came from me mind. The words me brain was telling me to say. But she knew; she knew that deep inside me heart, tmee was a small room reserved for James Potter. Ariel knew this. She knew that Lily, despite me stubbornness, was one day going you give in to his charm. She knew that Lily Evans would end up with James Potter. And so she let time deal with it.

"Whatever you say, Lily" she said quietly, and went back to sorting out me clothes. Lily sighed and leaned back on me bed.

"I'm going to take a little nap now, okay?" she said. Ariel nodded and left the room.

Lily took this opportunity to stop and think. She hadn't done that in a long time, and it always calmed me down. So she did. She closed me eyes and thought. _Why did all these problems always involve me? If someone's brother died, it was mine, if someone's owl was intercepted, it was definitely mine, if someone was annoyed to the point of craziness by the Marauders, it's me, and if someone fell under the charm of the wrong person, it had to be, Lily Evans. It would be much easier if Potter could just stop bullying and be nice to me. Wait. What was that? He is nice to me, and he has stopped bullying. What am I doing? I am blocking myself out from the boy I once knew, from Potter. This, this is a new boy. This boy is kind and considerate, smart and funny, this is the boy I'min love with; this is James._ Lily jolted up, fully alert. _That's it! I;m in love with the new James Potter! _Lily grinned to herself and sprinted out of the dorm, out the common room and down eleven flights of stairs. She stepped out into the warm sunshine and looked around frantically. She spotted James, Remus and Peter under a willow tree. Her heart gave a jump. She had never felt so happy to be in love. Lily ran towards the Marauders, laughing and smiling.

James stopped playing with his snitch and pocketed it. He glanced around, Remus was back to his reading. _Honestly, who reads Potions for the Tired Mind, for fun? That guy needs a life! _He turned to the next Marauder and rolled his eyes. Peter was picking his nose and grimacing as he rubbed his toe. _Forget it. Wormtail needs a life more urgently. _Then he turned, expecting to see Sirius flirting with some girl or another but saw the plain, brown willow trunk. Then he laughed out loud as he remembered where Sirius was. _I would pay high to see Padfoot tell his story to Dumbledore. _James leaned back on the usually occupied tree and looked up. He saw Lily coming out of the Great Hall and running towards…him? James quickly stood up and walked over to her. She kept on running. He frowned and stopped walking. Lily got closer and closer to him, he turned around for a second to see what the reactions to Lily were from his friends. Remus was looking as astonished as he did and Peter hadn't noticed. Right then, James turned his head just in time to see a mass of fiery red hair fling itself at him. He caught her with surprise, staggering backwards. Lily held on tight to his neck and cried onto his shoulders. James widened his eyes. _What the hell? I-I thought she was barking mad at me! And why was she grinning and now she's crying? I'll never understand girls…especially Lily. _James stroked her hair.

"Hey, it's okay. What's the matter?" he asked worriedly. Lily bit her lip.

"J-James! I'm so, so sorry! It t-took me so long to re-realize this! You've changed! Y-you aren't the i-immature young prat that I h-hated! I-I'm sorry! I r-really like you! Please f-forgive me!" she sobbed. James pulled her away, staring at her in shock.

"What? Wh-Of course I forgive you, Lily! How could I not? You are the most beautiful girl ever; I have never and will never give up on you." He said sweetly, wiping away tear from her cheek with his thumb. "Don't cry. Please, it makes me want to cry, too" he added. Lily smiled and hiccoughed.

"T-thanks James. Am I too l-late?" she stuttered, looking into his shiny hazel eyes. He grinned,

"You're never too late. Do you want to be my girlfriend?" he whispered. Lily beamed at him and stood on tiptoes, whispering in his ear.

"Yeah. I think I'd like that." James slid his left arm around her waist and pulled her up to him, kissing her softly. Lily smiled and kissed him back.

**

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A/N: YAY! It's finished! I'm done!!!! THIS IS MY FIRST COMPLETE STORY!!!! YAY ME!!! Please review!**

**Tell me how you liked it!**

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**Love,**

**Ale**


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